I bought my daughter an Iraqi purse for her birthday.
And she went “Thanks for the Bagh Dad”.
4 Likes
I asked a New Zealand colleague of mine how many girlfriends he’d had.
He fell asleep counting.
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What kind of car does an Iraqi dictator drive?
A Sedan Hussain.
2 Likes
What do you call a blonde who is still in the closet?
Last years hide & seek champion.
If stalks bring children, which birds prevent children?
Swallows.
What do you call a line of people outside a gay bar?
An LGBTQ
Why should you never take fungi on an airplane?
Because it takes up too mushroom.
Did you know Bruce Lee has a vegan brother?
His names Brocc Lee.
I went to the Kodak store to shoplift. But I couldnt, there were cameras everywhere!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other day.
I should have used Aloha temperature.
What do you call an Indian person who does not identify as any gender?
Naan binary.
.
2 Likes
Why are South Africans so good at Rubik’s cubes?
Because they’re used to separating the colours.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
4 Likes
Should have capitlised Singer
Last year I had this great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.
2 Likes
What’s the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone?
You can’t make a Vitamin.
My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”
Great bloke… Terrible anaesthetist.
11 Likes
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
10 Likes
A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I was stung by a bee on the golf course.” Doctor asks “Where were you stung?” “Between the first and second holes.” “Well, first of all your stance is too wide.”
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A newly married husband and wife had just consummated their marriage when the wife asks him if she’s the only one he’s ever been with.
Why, yes darling, he replies lovingly.
All the others were nines and tens.
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Me and the missus were on a euro train ages ago, it was terminating in Budapest so the dining car was Hungarian. The menu comes round and there is only goulash available. There’s beef, chicken and I think Lamb? The waiter comes over and the missus asks if they have anything that’s not goulash. “Yes!” He replies. “vegetarian Goulash!”
Why don’t dinosaurs make good pets?
They’re dead
3 Likes
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
There was a national poetry championship competition. The two finalists were a bloke from the University of NSW, and a country bumpkin from out West. They both had 30 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The UNSW writes his poem, stands up and says:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination…Timbuktu.
The crowd goes wild. So up next is the Western NSW country bumpkin. Writes his poem in 30 seconds, stands up and says:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three girls in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes…
I was with this blind prostitute who said I was the biggest she’s ever felt.
I said “lady, you’re pulling my leg”.
2 Likes
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I’ve never had a lentil on my face.
5 Likes