I’ve decided to write a song about a tortilla however upon reflection it’s more of a wrap.
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Fuck you
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Apparently its a feature, not a bug.
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I bought my mate an elephant for his room.
He said “thanks”
I said “don’t mention it”
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Thanks to those who helped me find the English translation of ‘mucho’. It means a lot.
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The thing is, I’ve seen this one before but I read the whole thing anyway before I remembered
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I skipped most of it to get to the punchline and I still want to invade Poland.
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Join the cue
Im behind Ice Cube because that’s where the line starts.
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Most people get shocked when they find out I’m not a qualified electrician
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Why didn’t the piece of toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack
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Borderline offensive?
Only to arseholes
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One from the recently departed Barry Cryer:
A man walks into a pub and the landlord’s astonished. Half of the man’s head is half of a huge orange.
‘So sorry to be nosy,’ the landlord says, ‘but why is half of your head half of a huge orange?’
‘Well, I was cleaning up the loft,’ the man says. ‘And I found an old lamp. I polished it up, and a genie came swooping out of it, saying, “May I grant you any three wishes, master?”’
‘So I said, “I’d like to have a million pounds – and every time I take the million pounds out of my pocket, another million appears there.”’
The genie said, ‘Your wish is granted. And your second wish?’
The man says, ‘I’d like a big house with 100 beautiful ladies in it.’
‘Your wish is granted,’ says the genie. ‘And your third wish?’
‘I’d like half my head to be half of a huge orange.’
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Threw survivors of a shipwreck, a South Australian, a Victorian and and a News South Wales man, end up on a desert island.
One day one of them finds a magic lamp half buried in the sand.
The genie appears and, as is traditional offers them 3 wishes. In the interests of fairness they decide to have one each.
The South Australian goes first. “I wish I was back in Adelaide”. He promptly disappears.
The New South Welshman goes second. “I wish I was back in Sydney”. He disappears.
The Victorian is next. “I am not sure, what I want. I wish my two friends were back here to help me.”
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I have so many questions.
is it a vertical or horizontal split?, or even diagonal? Is it alternating cubes in a chessboard pattern, or even stripes? If so are those stripes horizontal or vertical, or diagonal?
Assuming it’s vertical, single piece is the ‘inside’ bit facing up or down, if it’s down, does the juice drip inside his skull? and if so is the acidity a problem for his brain? or his eye(s)?
Timescales aren’t mentioned, if its more than a few days old has it started to go mouldy, if so what will happen when it completely rots away?
Will flies lay eggs in the rotting bits? Will squirrels attack his head as he walks past trees?
Depending on configuration, part of his brain is missing, obviously not his speech centre or visial processing so if its a vertical half it must be the right side of his head since neither Broca’s Area nor Weinke’s Area (he can talk and understand language) are affected and they’re on the left side.
Given that he can remember what happened, the front of the brain hasn’t been replaced either because the prefrontal cortex is still functioning.
Sounds like its horizontal but set at a jaunty angle which, in the 1930’s when hats were mandatory, would mark him out as an overconfident and foolish person.
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Can we have a shit joke thread sans essays?
Can we have feedback without the pseudo-latin?
What’s the point of my BA if I dont try to be pseudo intellectual wanker?
Btw, did you want plain or chicken salt?
Chicken Salt, I’m no philistine!
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