A bus full of Nuns are on their way back to the convent at the top of a mountain after a long day at a church far away. As the bus travells along the narrow, winding and poorly maintained road, the bus driver suffers a medical episode and he crashes the bus through the inadequate safety barrier that is all that’s between the road and a several hundred meter plunge.
All the nuns and the bus driver are tragically killed in a fiery explosion when the bus plummets to the bottom of the ravine. Being Nuns they all arrive up at the gates of heaven. St Peter greets them warmly as they appear and says to them.
“Sisters. I will grant you entry into the kingdom of heaven, but I need to ask you one question each before I do so. Please form an orderly queue”.
So being the good nuns they are they all line up obediently and St Peter calls the first nun forward.
“Ah, yes. Sister Mary. What a wonderful, wholesome life of service you have lived serving our Lord and his people. But I must ask, have you ever touched a penis?”
Sister Mary blushes slightly and she stammered “Well, I cannot lie. I once touched one with the tip of my pinky finger”.
St Peter nods for a few seconds. “Very well Sister Mary. Dip your pinky finger into this bowl of holy water, cleanse yourself of your sins, and you may enter the kingdom of heaven”.
So sister Mary tips her finger into the holy water, says a quick hail Mary, and crosses herself. The Big pearly gates open and she crosses forth into the Kingdom.
The next sister walks up to St. Peter. “Ahh, Sister Catherine. What a wonderful, wholesome life of service you have lived serving our Lord and his people. But I must ask, have you ever touched a penis?”
Sister Catherine blushes deeply and bows her head solemnly. “Well, I cannot lie I once held an erect one in my hand for I could not overcome the urge of the sin of flesh”. Sister Catherine says, remorse heavy in her voice.
St Peter nods ruefully. “Very well Sister Catherine. Dip your hand in the bowl of Holy Water, cleanse yourself of your sins and you may enter the Kindom of Heaven”.
So Sister Catherine dips her hand into the holy water, says a quick 3 hail Mary’s and crosses herself. The Big pearly gates open, and she crosses into the kingdom.
As sister Catherine steps over the threshold, there’s suddenly a commotion in the middle of the line. St Peter looks up and sees Sister Anne break free of the commotion and rush forward to the front of the line.
“Woah, woah, easy up there sisters. No need for pushing and shoving. You will all enter the Kingdom after you have cleansed yourself” St Peter says, holding his hands up. “Sister Anne, what’s the hurry?”
Sister Anne replies frankly “Well, if I am going to have to gargle and swallow the holy water, I’m sure going to do it before Sister Laura sticks her arse in it!”
I asked my wifes mother when her birthday was, she said “march 1st”
I walked around the garden and once I’d sat back down, I said “so when is your birthday?”
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Why does 10+10 equal 11+11?
Because 10+10 equals 20, and 11+11 equals twenty too.
What do you call a man with no ears?
Anything you like, he can’t hear you
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas
What do you call a man with fifty rabbits in his bum?
Warren
What do you call a bloke who sleeps on their doorstep?
Matt.
What do you call a Sheila who sleeps on a tennis court?
Annette
What do you call a man with no arms and legs that can swim fifty metres?
Clever dick
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left it
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter, it won’t come to you
Looks like it’s chestnut season judging by a lot of the recent posts here
What do you call a woman with one leg.
Ilene
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg.
Irene
Raciarist!!!
I used to work at an Indian restaurant, and they do the best bread. It was so good other Indian restaurants were desperate for the recipe.
They made me sign a legal document saying I would never share their recipe. It was a standard naan disclosure agreement
What’s a Liverpool FC supporters favourite drink?
7-Up.
Some say it’s best drunk ice-cold against Manchester United…
I hate it when Annette keeps asking what that racket is.
I could never marry Annette. Because she’s a tennis player, love means nothing to her.
Damn. And there I was hoping to set you both up
Would have been an ace serve. But you’ll have to stay on your baseline and think of some more top spin!
