My 4 year old Nephew asked me a question while I was having a Cuppa tea the other day.
N: What does that say? (Pointing at Teabag)
M: it says over 300 years experience. It means the people at Twinings have been making tea for over 300 years.
N: (shocked) You mean to say they haven’t even died?!
M: They have imortalalitea. But it comes at a steep cost.
A little girl went to the office with her dad on Take Your Kid To Work Day.
As they were walking around the office the little girl began to get quite upset and cranky.
Her father stopped and asked what was wrong.
As his colleagues gathered around concerned the girl sobbed loudly “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
How does The Rock pee?
He dwaynes his Johnson.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
I tried Wookie steak for dinner today, I didn’t enjoy it…
…it was chewie.
Not sure if this is the right place to post it, but I guess it is all a bit of a joke.
I have a fear of elevators.
I’m taking steps to avoid them.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Lawyer: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see y our license, please?
Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see… Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Lawyer: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Lawyer: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to…self-defense. Otherwise, he would call the police and I would be in jail.
The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.
Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.
Lawyer: Killed the owner?
Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?
Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license.
The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you, sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Nice one. Reminds me a bit of this one (although quite different).
Officer: Hi sir, please blow into this breathalizer.
Driver: I can’t do that?
Officer: why not?
Driver: I’m an asthmatic
Officer: OK sir, you will need to come to the police station for a blood test
Driver: I can’t do that
Officer: Why not?
Driver: I’m a Haemophiliac
Officer: OK sir, please step out of the vehicle and walk in a straight line
Driver: I can’t do that
Officer: urgh… why not?
Driver: ‘cause I’m too fuckin’ drunk!
A man and his wife get pulled over by the local constabulary for speeding. The cop approaches the car and see’s the man behind the wheel not wearing his seatbelt.
Cop: Good day sir, do you know why I’ve pulled you over?
Man: I guess I was going a tad fast back there
Wife: Tut-tut. I warned you Alfred about your speeding that you’ll get booked for it eventually.
Man: Oh shuddup you old fool.
Cop: (Raises eyebrows at the comment) And er, sir. I also note that you’re not wearing your seatbelt.
Wife: Yep, he never wears his seatbelt. I warned him that he’d eventually get booked for it eventually.
Man: I said shuddup you annoying hag
Cop: (Goes to interject, but refrains for the time being) As I approached the car I noticed your tail lights out as well.
Wife: Again, how many times have I mentioned to you that you need to get that fixed otherwise you’ll get booked for it eventually.
Man: For fucks sake you nagging bitch. Shut the fuck up.
Cop: Sorry, ma’am, but does he always talk to you like this?
Wife: No officer, only when he’s drunk.
A mum is cleaning up her teenage sons room when she discovers a whole bunch of BDSM gear in a box under his bed. There’s whips and chain, paddles, handcuffs, restraints and ball gags amongst the paraphennalia.
Shocked, and slight disturbed, she approaches her husband and ask him as to how they should handle the situation.
The husband suggests: “Probably not by spanking him”
What do you get when you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Kicked out of Sea World.
A bloke walks into a hotel lobby and up to the receptionist.
M: Hi there, I’d like to book a room for the night
R: Sorry sir, but we’re fully booked for the night.
M: But my names Improvement.
R: (puzzled) I’m sorry sir. We can’t accommodate you this evening.
M: That’s strange. There’s always room for improvement.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between you’re and your!
There so stupid!
What do you say to a one-legged hitch-hiker?
Hop in!
Nothing, wouldn’t want to put my foot in it.
