Today I saw a sheep driving a car wile wearing a swimsuit.
I can’t be certain but it looked like a lamb bikini.
Today I saw a sheep driving a car wile wearing a swimsuit.
I can’t be certain but it looked like a lamb bikini.
What do you get if you stick your hand inside a blender?
A handshake.
What’s the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
One is weasely identified while the other is stoatally different.
What is heavier, water or butane?
Water. Because butane is lighter fluid.
Great joke
Shhhhhhhhh.
No really, it was gas.
I’ve noticed recently at work that when you start to Excel, people around you start to spreadsheet. I brought this up as a PowerPoint to my boss, and he told me it was an interesting Outlook.
Word.
Bob is driving down the road one day when his car runs out of petrol. A few minutes later as he’s waiting on hold to the NRMA a bee flies in his window.
“Say, are you OK?” says the bee to Bob.
“Sadly not I’m afraid” Bob replies “I’ve run out of petrol like a pleb”.
“That’s no good” says the bee. “But give me a few minutes and I’ll fix you right up”
The bee flies off and Bob is left sitting there confounded. After all, he’s just been talking too a bee.
“Damn, I need to get more sleep” thinks Bob to himself as he continues to wait on hold with the NRMA and they’re annoying hold music with intermittent voice announcements of the benefits of NRMA insurance.
A few minutes later Bob hears a loud buzzing and a dark cloud appears down the road, getting larger and larger. The buzzing is getting louder and louder and Bob realizes it’s a swarm of bees. He starts to panic.
The swarm flies up to the car and the bee who he had been speaking with flies back into the car and asks Bob to open up his petrol tank. Confused, scared, and weirded out of his mind Bob nods and flicks the petrol lever next to his seat. The bee flies back out, rejoins the swarm and they all lift off the car, fly around for a few seconds and shoot down into his petrol tank. There’s a loud humming of a swarm of angry bees in his petrol tank.
“Gosh, what have I done?!” cries Bob to himself. “The bees are going to ruin the car”.
The swarm of bees stay in his petrol tank for a few minutes before without warning they all shoot back out of the petrol tank and fly off into the direction they had come from. Bob watches them with astonishment strewn across his face.
The original bee flies back in. “Hi there friend”, the bee buzzes. “Try turning on the engine now”
Bob hesitates for a moment and cautiously turns on the engine. Much to his surprise the engine roars to life, and he watched in astonishment as the petrol tank line on his dash moves from empty to full.
"Wh-what?! What the hell?! stutters bob in sheer astonishment. “What the hell did you put in my tank?!” he asks in sheer wonder.
The bee shrugs casually. “BP”.
James walks into a pub on the way home from work for a beer. He sits down and orders a schooner. He looks over and sees another bloke sitting a couple stools down from him. He strikes up a conversation.
“So what brings you here?” James asks the other man.
“Having a couple drinks before I go meet my wife for dinner, it’s our first wedding anniversary” the man explains.
“Nice one” James says to the man. “My wife and I just had our first anniversary last week” James says to the man.
"Oh yeah? Did you get her anything special? the man asks James as he sips his schooner.
“Yeah, got her a nice big diamond ring, and a brand new Mercedes Benz”
"Woah! the man exclaims. “What did you get her both for, if you don’t mind me asking?” the man asks.
James shrugs and replies. “Well, if she doesn’t like the ring she can get in the Mercedes, drive to the jewelers and exchange it for something she likes”
The other man’s eyes boggle for a second at the lavishness of such a present. “Oh, nice one!” the man finally replies with.
James sips his beer. “Can I ask what you’re getting your wife for your anniversary?”
The man nods. “Yeah. Pair of slippers and a dildo” he replies matter-of-factly.
James frowns. “I don’t understand?” he asks.
The man finishes his beer, and gets to his feet, grabbing his jacket off the bar as he does so.
“It’s quite simple actually, If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!”
What’s the internal body temperature of a tauntaun?
Lukewarm.
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
3 moles are in a tunnel.
The first mole says “I smell sugar”
The second mole says “I smell cinnamon”
The third mole says “I smell molasses”
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!
IM LIVID.
Stealing that for sure
I couldn’t remember the name of that dessert where you pour espresso over gelato.
I asked my Italian friend but he couldn’t remember either.
I was going to ask my mafia mate but I failed to remember to.
Joke of the year.
So my other half said to me earlier that she wants to start going to the gym with me. She feels like our relationship is going stale and she wants it to work out. However, I had ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis stuck in my head and kept singing it quietly. She asked me to stop, I said maybe.
She wants me to grow a beard. I’m not a big fan of facial hair, but I’m sure it’ll grow on me.
But truthfully I’ve been pretty stressed recently. I’ve decided to take up meditation. I suppose it beats sitting around doing nothing.
A friend asked me recently if I was an organ donor. I said I wasn’t, but it would take guts to become one.
I must have been slipped a mickey at the pub the other day. As I was stumbling home, I saw a sheep driving a car. It was a Lamborghini.
I went to the doctor because I thought I had a bladder infection. He told me “Urine trouble”.
My kids are having trouble sleeping at night. In frustration I called the Police to see if they would help. A couple of constables arrived at my door and asked what the issue is. I told them my kids weren’t napping. They shrugged and said it’s not a Police issue. I told them it is, and they’re resting arrest.
I know a lot of jokes about people on Centerlink. Problem is, none of them work.
My son asked me to put his shoes on. I told him I’d try but I honestly don’t think they’ll fit.
During the pandemic, I found I was getting bored quite easily. So I took up fencing as a hobby. The neighbors weren’t impressed and asked me to put it back.
My boss recently found out that I have a Police record. He was pretty surprised but I told him I love their greatest hits.
How do millennials weigh themselves? in Instagrams.