A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
2 Likes
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his muggle car with petrol?
Expensive Petroleum.
What do you call a Wizard who never secures a girl?
Fumbledore.
Why were Billy Joels clothes wet?
He didn’t start the dryer.
2 Likes
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure but nobody ever mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the the starting pistol
12 Likes
That made me laugh more than it should have
2 Likes
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes…
the did the unspeakable to me
2 Likes
I have a Polish friend. He’s a sound guy.
I have a Czech one too.
6 Likes
Why didnt the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
I’ve started telling people the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about rasin awareness.
I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock.
It’s in a nutshell.
I’ve got a mate called Patrick. He’s allergic to seafood.
Oysters Kilpatrick.
The man who invented velcro has died.
Rip.
It takes guts to be an organ doner.
I hate it when my wife get angry at me for being lazy.
Its not like I’ve done anything.
I went to the doctor the other day and he told me that Yoga is the best antidepressant avaliable.
I thought it was a bit of a stretch.
My local church was holding a nativity play, and gave the role of Jesus to my Swedish neighbour.
“Oh, Christ” I thought. “The saviour is Bjorn”.
Why dont ants get COVID?
They have little antibodies.
I bought a dog the other day, from the local blacksmith.
As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
Why dont boxers have sex with night before a fight?
They just don’t really like each other.
What do you call a num on the run?
Virgin mobile.
Did you hear about the Tuna who moved to Queensland?
It ended up in Cairns.
4 Likes
A vegan and a “stop oil” protester fall off a cliff…. Who wins?
Society
3 Likes
I’m working on a civil engineering joke for you all, but it’s still under construction.
I have a economics joke, but its not in demand.
Theres a statistics joke I want to tell, but its not significant.
I had a geography joke lined up, but I’ve lost it. I dont know where it is.
2 Likes
There used to be only 25 letters in the alphabet
No one knew why.
2 Likes
If you want a joke about Ikea you’ll have to make it yourself.
6 Likes
Mason Greenwood leaves Manchester United by mutual consent.
He had to ask his lawyer what consent means.
3 Likes
Didn’t realise face/off was 1997, I thought it was around 2000 or so (at least, by the time I managed to watch it).
Remember very well it being that year…… A mate of mine had his skull caved in (very literally) in a game (and you can tell it was a different time, after they eventually got him in the ambulance and we overheard them say ‘not sure he’s going to make it….’ they took his gk gloves off and I put them on and we finished the game). During the 18 hours of surgery he had to go through as they rebuilt his skull with titanium mesh, they actually did it: over the top from ear to ear and peeled it forward, before stapling him back together. Face/Off came out like a couple weeks after…… you better farking believe we broke him out of home recovery to go see it.
did you win?
Came back to draw 2-2. No one was very keen on tackling very hard the rest of that game it must be said.
What did one Frenchman say to thenother Frenchman?
No clue, i dont speak French
Why dont boxers have sex before a fight?
They just dont really like each other
6 Likes