Skeleton walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a beer and a mop”
A guy walks into a bar carrying a paper bag. He sits down, orders a drink and puts his bag on the bar.
The bartender says, “What do you have in the bag?”
The guy reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, a piano stool and a tiny man. The little man jumps on the piano stool and begins playing.
The bartender says, “That’s pretty cool. Where did you get that?”
The guy reaches into the bag again and pulls out a brass lamp. He says, “This is a magic lamp. If you rub it a genie will come out and grant you one wish.”
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie comes out and asks the bartender what he would like to wish for. The bartender says, “I want a million bucks.”
A few minutes later a duck walks into the bar followed by more and more ducks. Pretty soon the bar is overrun with ducks. The bartender says, “Hey, is this genie hard of hearing? I didn’t ask for a million ducks; I asked for a million bucks.”
The guy says, “Haha. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
A blokes leaves the pub and almost hits an oncoming car right in front of a copper.
The copper pulls him over and says “you stink of grog, I want you to say the alphabet starting with M”
The drunk looks him dead in the eye and says… “Malphabet”
I got fired from the keyboard factory the other week.
Apparently I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
I also used to work for the autocorrect function in Samsung,
The fried me for no reason
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refused to recognise Ty Won.
I just me a kid who told me he’s Claustrophobic.
He’s afraid of Santa.
A friend of mine with muscular dystrophy took me to this new strip club for people with disabilities.
The place was crawling with pussy.
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club.
It was open Mike night.
The weather was looking really ominous this afternoon, so I asked Siri “surely it’s not going to rain today?”
She replied “yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley!”
That’s when I realised I had left my phone in airplane mode…
A 47 year old man wins the lottery and decides he wants to look younger, so he gets a facelift and some cosmetic surgery done. The surgery is a success and it makes him look as young as he did when he was 25.
One moring, he goes down to the shops, and he’s in a cheery mood. He stops by the butchers and he says to the butcher “How old do you think I am?”
The butcher stops and thinks for a moment and says, ’ I dunno, 28?"
The man chuckles and says “Nope, I’m actually 47”.
So off he goes to the newsagency and he says to the newsagent, “how old do you think I am?”
The newsagent thinks for a moment. “About 26?”
The man beams broadly and says “No sir, I am actually 47”.
Later that day when his shoppings done he heads for the bus stop and the only other person waiting for a bus is this old granny. He asks her as well “Excuse me maam, how old do you think I am”.
The old lady puts on her glasses, peers at him intently and finally says. “My eyesight is not what it used to be, but if I can stick my hand down the front of your trousers, I’ll be able to tell”.
The man looks around, seeing nobody he thinks “Oh what the hell, why not”. So the old lady shuffles closer to the man and sticks her hand down his trousers and fools around for a couple of minutes. She removes her hand just as the bus comes into view, and pulls up at the bus stop.
“So how old do you think I am” the man replies, a little flustered, but with a beaming smile.
“You’re 47 years old” the old lady replies.
The man is astounded “W-what?! How did you guess that?”.
The old lady goes to step on the bus, turns and smiles at him. “I was behind you in the butchers shop”.
A woman in Sydney is depressed and decides she’s going to comit suicide. So she goes to The Gap to jump off. A young sailor is walking by and sees her crying at the edge of the cliff and asks her if she is OK. The woman tells him that she’s not. All her friends, family and colleagues hate her, and she’s going to jump.
The young sailor comforts her and says “How about this, my boat leaves for Europe tomorrow, I’ll stow you away in the hold, I’ll bring you food everyday, and when we get to Europe you can start afresh in any country you would like”.
The young sailors words talk the lady down and she agrees. So he tells her to meet him at the docks the following night. The next night she’s waiting on the wharf where he told her to go, and true to his word he smuggles her aboard and into the hold. Each evening, he brings her sandwiches, a bottle of wine, and they eat, drink, laugh and make passionate love for several hours.
A few weeks goes by, with the same routine when one day she’s discovered by the captain of the boat. When confronted, she tells the captain that she has an agreement with one of the sailors, and he’s going to drop her off in Europe when they arrive, and she confesses that he’s been screwing her, often when he’s on duty.
The Captain shakes his head in disbelief, and replies "You’re damn right he’s screwing you, this is the Manly Ferry.
When a cougar becomes so old she needs hearing aids, she becomes a Def Leopard.
People always complain about how Americans don’t use the Metric System.
It’s ridiculous, because all the kids use 9mms at school.
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs.
I’m going out on a date with a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin.
Problem is I can’t remember if I’m taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday night.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.
So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered.