Never eaten Indian???
Are they into that?
I locked myself out of my car earlier today. I managed to get the car unlocked by rubbing my leg up against the door of the car.
I love my new khaki trousers.
I looked up an old girlfriend from my school days today.
Thats one good thing about being a gynaecologist.
I had a pair of atheist door knockers knock on my door the other day.
Turns out they’re from a non prophet organisation.
Whats the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
Woody goes limp when a kid enters the room.
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What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
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Worms are set to take over the world in 2025.
It’s global worming.
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Have you read the book about the bisexual whale - Maybe Dick?
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Did you know you can buy hats for your knees?
They’re called kneecaps.
What do you call two brids stuck together?
Velcrow.
Did you know the Norwegian navy has barcodes on their ships?
It’s so they can Scandinavian when they return to port.
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What do you call an anorexic blonde girl with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
Dropping flavour bombs.
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A guy goes to his doctor one day and says
“Doctor, I have an issue with my penis. It’s turned bright orange!”
The doctor raises an eyebrow asks the man to drop his trousers so he can have a looksie. So the man drops his dacks, and sure enough the blokes old fella is bright orange. The doctor inspects it for a few moments and sits back down as the man pulls up his pants.
“Hmmmm. The doctor hums. Curious very curious. I’ve not seen something like this in 45 years of practising medicine”
“What do you think it could be?” The man asks, somewhat alarmed.
“Not sure” replied the doctor. “Do you work around strong chemicals in a factory or construction site?”
“No sir” the man replies. I retired 5 years ago and was a banker for 40 years.
“Have you slept with any questionable prositutes or had unprotected sex with women who may have STDs?”
The man shakes his head. “No sir. My wife died 3 years ago. I live a pretty lonely life nowadays. Just sitting around eating Twisties and jacking off…”.
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What do you get if you put your hand up a gypsys vagina on her period?
Your palm read.
Yet another reason why chicken twisties are superior
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My neighbour was really sad that their dog died. I bought them an identical one to try to cheer them up but they were all like “Why did you do that? Now I have two dead dogs!”
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Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aid off for repairs. I’ve heard nothing since.
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I bet that jokes fallen on deaf ears.
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, “That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered, “THE TEETH!”
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I’m a retired gynaecologist but I still work part-time.
I like to keep my hand in.
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Nanna and pop are in church one Sunday morning when Nanna leans over to pop and whispers “I’ve just done one a fart. It’s a bit eggy but at least it was one of those silent ones. What should I do?”
Pop says, “well… You should probably turn your hearing aid up”
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