What kind of plants do you put in the bathroom?
Toiletries.
Why was the piggy bank so wise?
Because it was filled with common sense.
What do you call a lonely cheese?
Provolone
What vegetable is the best listener?
Corn. Because they’re all ears.
What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?
Lemonade.
How do mountain see?
They peek.
What do you call a redhead with a yeast infection?
Gingerbread
I threw a surprise bukkake party for my boss’s birthday. The whole office came. You should have seen her face…
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre
What do you call two Irish Lesbians?
Gaelic.
The army are doing some war games for training. There’s the red team and the blue team. Both teams are standing on the parade ground and they start handing out the rifles for the exercise. When they get to the end of the line, they find they’re a rifle short. So they give the last guy - Private Jenkins a long stick.
“The fuck am I meant to do with this?” Jenkins asks incredulously.
“Oh, dont worry about it” the soldier handing out weapons says. “Just point it at the ‘enemy’ and say bangity bang-bang, and they’ll be hit. The others are under orders to follow this, and anybody who refuses will be disqualified from the exercise”.
“Yeah, whatever” Jenkins says reluctantly, and moves out into the training ground.
A little while later Jenkins comes across his first “enemy” soldier. He jumps out from behind a bush and yells “Bangity bang-bang”. The ‘enemy’ soldiers falls to the ground and yells out “I’m hit”. Jenkins is impressed. A few minutes later he comes across his second “enemy”. He jumps out from behind a bush and yells “bangity bang-bang”. The second enemy falls down and declares himself hit.
After a little while Jenkins has taken out 8 enemy soldiers and he’s really starting to enjoy himself. He decides he’s going to break cover and move positions. So he heads on down a road and up ahead he sees another enemy soldier running towards him. He gets down on one knee, aims his stick at the enemy and yells “bangity bang-bang”. But the enemy doesn’t fall down, or declare himself hit. “Bangity bang-bang” Jenkins yells again, and the soldier continues runing towards him. “Bangity bang-bang, bangity bang-bang, bangity bang-bang” he screams but the soldier keeps charging towards him, and runs straight into him, and send Jenkins flying into the side of the road.
“What the actual fuck man” Jenkins spits at the other soldier “I shot you, you’re meant to die, you know im the only soldier in this exercise without a rifle, you heard the commanding officer. If I yell bangity bang bang before you get a shot off, you’re hit”.
The soldier who ran into him gives him a sly grin and says “tankity tank-tank”.
I’ve taken to putting fabric softener in my toilet cistern.
Ever since I started, I always shit in comfort.
You’re shitting me?
Did you know the B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stands for Benoît B. Mandelbrot?
That was pretty random.
But it’s fractally correct
I see what you did there
One of the girls in the office who sits in the cubicle behind me just out loud asked
“Where the heck did this rain come from?”
Without missing a beat, I replied back
“From the sky”.
It produced an audible groan from the other side of the cubicle.
Now it’s sunny, and she’s explained “First it’s raining, now it’s sunny. What the hell is going on?”
Again, quick as a flash I retort “I believe it’s called weather”.
She’s normally not this dense, so I’m not sure if she’s having a bad Monday morning, or if she’s flirting with me. 
You should ask her out, she seems keen
“Do you want to grab lunch?”
“Nah I normally just eat it”
I was having a beer with a mate the other day, and he says
“My wifes just gone to Indonesia”
“Jakarta?” I replied
“Nah, she flew” he retorted.
My wife is in the Caribbean…
Jamaica?
No she wanted to go
It’d go like this
“Hey, so you want to grab a coffee some time?”
“Sure, how about 10 tomorrow?”
“Oh, no. That’s far too many”.
I actually prefer just drinking my coffee
It’s like when I go to Bunnings and they ask if I wanna box for my items. I always say no, I’d rather pay the normal way.