“I had a lovely trip to Tehran, recently”
“How’d you get there”
“Iran”
I went in to the office yesterday and one of my staff said “have you had a haircut” so I replied “no, I had them all cut.”
Ya gotta be committed to the bit.
5 Likes
I legitimately say this to everybody when I get asked after I’ve been to the barber.
Can confirm I’ve caused some wonderful eye rolls.
1 Like
I told a scientist a chemistry joke.
It didnt get much of a reaction.
1 Like
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other: “I think I’ve lost an electron!”
His friend replies: “Are you sure?”
He says: “I’m positive”
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.
Why are chemists perfect for solving problems?
Because they have all the solutions.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce ‘unionized’.
A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks:
“Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate 1-carboxyvinyl transferase?”
Shopkeeper:
“You mean Roundup?”
Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”
A neutron walks into a bar, asks how much a drink costs. The bartender replies: “For you, no charge.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, “I will have some H2O.” The second one says, “I will have some H2O too.” He dies.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
“I’ll have H2O,” says the 1st.
“I’ll have H2O, too,” says the 2nd.
Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context
4 Likes
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
We broke up because I thought she was seeing someone on the side.
7 Likes
How do you know Mike Tyson is anti-religon?
He punches people in the faith.
5 Likes
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve subatomic particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
5 Likes
A lot of these fit perfectly in here…
3 Likes
Life in South Africa must be tough…
Coles are trying new things to improve their position in the supermarket war and the cost of living crisis
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
10 Likes
In an effort to save costs, I’m cutting down on beef and eating more Wookie meat.
It’s really chewy.
1 Like
Started reading this new book on glue, but I cant finish it.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.
2 Likes
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday.
Went down to our local pet shop and saw they were priced at $70! 
"Screw this, " I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”
1 Like
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51 and 6 in Roman numerals.
I M LIVID
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Someone asked a mate for a Scottish football club name that starts with M. After a Google search, the mate said “Motherwell?”
“She’s fine, thanks.”
1 Like
Does Jeff Bezos sleep naked, or with Pajamazon?
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I recently came into a bunch of money. Which is odd, I normally use paper towel.
4 Likes
Does that make you a rich wanker?
2 Likes