100% not offensive but really crap Dad joke thread

3 golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter orders a beer.
The wedge orders a tequila
And the third club says “Just a water thanks, I’m the driver”

3 Likes

What does a police hotline and a glory hole have in common?

Anonymous tips.

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After getting drunk, I ate a bag of Scrabble tiles as a dare. I went to the doctor the next norning as I wasnt feeling well.

He looked at me grimly and said “Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster”.

3 Likes

LIKE for 8 points.

Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

2 Likes

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What do American kids do when they finish a magazine in school?

They drop it and reload.

I don’t really get that joke. Must be aimed at a younger audience

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Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan? Apparently if people fall behind on payments, they’ll get repossessed!

2 Likes

My wife is a stunner

Not attractive, just works in an abattoir

4 Likes

I think that punch line doesn’t need the bit before the comma. Still a knockout though!

1 Like

Whats the difference between a hooker & jesus?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them.

2 Likes

I got robbed at the petrol station on the way to work this morning. I called the Police and they asked me if I knew who had done it.

“Yes” I replied. “Pump 7”.


Two prisoners were awaiting their fate on death row, having been sentanced to be hung. On the day of their execution to warden comes up to them in their cell and tells them he’s got bad news. They’re going to have to postpone their execution. One of the prisoners asks why and the warden replies that they have lost and can’t find the noose.

The prisoners can’t believe their luck, and one pipes up "No noose is good noose.


If 3 people having sex is called a threesome, and 2 people having sex is called a twosome, I can see why they call you handsome.


My doctor told me that it’s notmal to get aroused, and ejeculate during a prostate exam.

I still wish he hadn’t though.


What comes after death?
Necrophilliacs


Whats a giraffes favourite kind of beer to drink from?

A longneck.

We got a skylight installed in our apartment today.

Upstairs neighbours are furious.

5 Likes

A friend of mine died from drowning, so I sent a wreath shaped like a lifebuoy to his funeral

After all it’s what he would’ve wanted

7 Likes

I saw Ten Hag got a speeding fine yesterday. That bloke would do anything for 3 points.

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Why do marxists only drink decaffeinated tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

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An Aussie and New Zealand farmer are sitting in a pub having a beer. The Aussie farmer complains “Fucking Woolworths mate, they pay me $15 a head for my sheep, but you go in store and its $45/kg. This price gouging is ridiculous!”

The Kiwi farmer takes a long pull of his schooner and says “Choice, bro, you thunk thuts bad aye, over in New Zuland they charge us $45 an hour!”.

1 Like

A bar is walked into by the passive voice…

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A customer walks up to an employee at a nutrition store and says “Theres a bloke over there sticking his penis into a container of protein powder”.

The employee looks over and yells “NO FUCKING WHEY!”

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My family is extremely worried about my grandpa’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma’s taking it particularly hard.

7 Likes