My neighbour who is a builder offered to replace my entire roof for free.
He told me its on the house.
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A frog walks into a bank and approaches the counter. The teller greets the frog and the frog notices from the name badge on the tellers chest, that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Hi Patricia, my name is Kermit Jagger and I would like a loan for $30,000. My old man is Mick Jagger, and he knows the bank manager very well”.
Patricia looks the frog over in disbelief. It’s a quiet day in the branch, so she decides to entertain the idea and see where it goes.
“Alright Kermit. A loan of that size, means we will need some collateral. What can you provide?”
The frog thinks for a moment, reaches inside a pocket annd pulls out a tiny porcelain elephant, bright pink and perfectly formed. “Here, that should cover it” says Kermit Jagger as he hands the frog over to Patricia the teller.
Patricia takes the porcelain elephant and can’t stop her eyes from raising in disbelief as she looks at it. Whilst the tiny porcelain elephant is immaculate and rather cute, it can’t be worth more than $100 at most.
“Very well. I’ll need to confer with my manager on this” she says, her voice thickly laced with doubt.
“Do as you must” replies the frog.
So she walks over to the managers office, knocks and enters.
“Sir, there’s a frog at the counter who says his father is Mick Jagger, and he’s asking for a loan of $30,000 and provided this as collateral” she passes over the tiny pink porcelain elephant. “I don’t even know what it is” she adds.
The bank manager inspects the tiny pink porcelain elephant, turning it over in his hands, inspecting it from every angle and running his fingers over its smoothness. After about a minute he sents the tiny pink porcelain elephant on his desk, looks up at Patricia and says “it’s a knick knack Patty Whack, give the frog the loan. His old mans a rolling stone”
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The greatest rendition of that joke:
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A classic. Geez it would have been good if that delivery following the punchline had been a wicket and they’d have to try and negotiate that while rolling around laughing
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Thats where I got it from. Cane up on my fb feed.
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May it live forever
I just wish I experienced that live
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A good mate of mine just got fired from the 000 emergency services call center.
Some bloke rung up and said “I’m depressed. I’m lying on the railway tracks waiting for the train so I can die and meet our maker”.
Apparently “stay calm and remain on the line” was the wrong response…
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Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and asked “Does this taste funny to you?”
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The Bustard’s an exquisite fowl
With minimal reason to growl:
It escapes what would be
Illegitimacy
By grace of a fortunate vowel.
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My dog got into my games drawer and ate some scrabble tiles.
I took him to the vet, but no word yet.
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Met a girl down the pub last night. She told me she wanted to show me a good time. We stepped outside and she ran an 11 second 100m sprint.
There’s a clinical name for when you can’t sleep at night, but rather stay up all night eating.
Its called Insomnomnomnomia
What shoes do chickens wear?
Rebokbokboks
Had a policeman knock on my door earlier. He showed me a photo of my wife and asked “Do you know this woman sir?”
“Yeah, thats my wife” I replied
He nodded. “It looks like she’s been hit by a bus” he continued.
I grimaced. “Yeah, I know but she’s great with the kids and has a heart of gold”.
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This morning I was walking down the street when I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a French horn.
I think it was an orchestrated attack.
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Literally came on here to write that one!!
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Did we all see the same post on facebook?
Was watching an episode of Australian Masterchef the other day. Somebody made a meringue. It came out really well and the judges loved it. All the contestants cheered.
I thought this was weird as don’t Aussies boo meringue?
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So you think anyone ever gone to see the band placebo, thinking it was the cure?
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You’re not meant to know that you’re seeing placebo though, only then will you think it’s the cure
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I was in a band called Prevention. We were better than both.
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