There’s been reports of the autopilot function in applicable models heading directly to Poland.
Puts an all new meaning to Heiling a cab
I went to an interview for a Garbageman’s job once. When I asked the interviewer about any on the job training, he replied…
Nah, you just pick it up as you go along…
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How do you keep a blind kid entertained?
Give them a piece of sandpaper and tell them its a find a word puzzle.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eye eat map.
Eye eat map who?
Fucking gross.
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There are rumours that Margot Robbie and Emma Watson are teaming up to do a Lesbian remake of Brokeback Mountain.
On one hand I am sick of Hollywood doing these unoriginal remakes, on the other hand, lotion.
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An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’
Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.’
The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course!’
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?
What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexic Association.
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Did you know that being blind makes you curious?
It certainly made Stevie Wonder.
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Either that or she is doing some track testing of next year’s model and she doesn’t want competitors or paparazzi to get a sneak peak.
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When is pepper annoying?
When it gets jalapeño business.
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A man died last night falling from the balcony of a multi-storey nightclub. Police have confirmed he was not a bouncer.
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My mate Joe recently went on the Dolly Parson diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Leeeeaaan.
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A couple decide to go for a meal for Valentine’s Day, and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef’s special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
‘Did you see that?’ she asks her husband.
He hasn’t so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
‘Well, sir,’ says the waiter. ‘What did you order?’
'We both chose the same,’ he replies. ‘The chicken surprise.’
‘Oh, I do apologize, this is my fault,’ says the waiter. ‘I’ve brought you the Peking duck.’
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For valentine’s day, someone sent me a dozen long stem roses with the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.
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What do you call Bob the builder when he retires?
Bob
What do you call postman Pat when he retires?
Pat
Why is there no Panadol in the jungle?
Because the Paracetamol.
A woman goes to her gynaecologist for a check up. The doctor leans in and says “hmmmm, I am going to have to numb your vagina for this procedure, is that OK?”
“Sure” the woman replies.
The doctor leans in and goes “num num num num num num num”.
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I remember when my youngest daughter was about 4 she asked me “Where does poo come from daddy?”
It made me a bit uncomfortable, talking about anuses and biology and feces, but I powered through it.
She looked very confused and stared at me with her mouth hanging open for a few seconds, then she asked…
“Well what about Tigger then?”
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