Got into a pub fight the other night with a French bloke during trivia.
Apparently the answer to “Who won the first ‘Tour De France’ was not the 7th Panzer Division”.
12 years ago today, my friend Mike came out running and screaming “IT’S A BOY!!!”, tears streaming down his obviously emotional face.
We never did go back to Thailand after that…
A bloke walks into a pub, plonks himself down at the bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a beer.
“Big day mate?” Asks the bartender as he puts the drinks down.
“Guess you could say so” the man replies as he throws back a shot. “My son just came out as gay”.
"Hey, that’s not so bad. It’s 2025. Good for him for having the courage to do so. " the bartender replies. The man shrugs and finishes his drinks and leaves.
The next day around the same time the man walks back into the pub and orders 2 shots of bourbon and a beer.
“Another big day?” The bartender asks curiously.
“Yeah, guess you could say so” the man replies and throws back a shot. “My second son just came out as gay”.
“Mate honestly thats not that bad. Like I said its 2025 and you should be happy that they’re comfortable enough to do so. And hey, look on the bright side at least they’re not going to accidentally knock up some girl”.
The man shrugs and finishes his drinks and leaves.
The third day the man returns to the pub and orders 3 shots of Vodka and a beer.
“Rough week, eh” the bartender says. The man nods as he takes two of the Vodka shots and downs them one after another, chasing it with a big gulp of beer.
“Yep” the man replies. My own brother just came out as gay. Known him my whole damn life, wife, 3 daughters and today he announces he’s gay and wants to start a relationship with a guy he works with".
“Damn, thats a rough break, but hey like I said before. It’s a new world and we should be happy that he’s finally comfortable enough to admit who he truly is. Just be happy and supportive of him”.
The man shrugs, finishes his drinks and stumbles out of the pub.
The fourth day the bloke walks in sits at the bar and asks for 5 shots of tequila and 2 beers.
“Woah, mate. Is everything OK? Don’t tell me another family member of yours has come out as gay?”. The man nods glumly. “Shit, does anybody in your family like pussy?” The bartender replies as he pours the shots.
The man takes 3 shots and downs them back to back without pause before finally replying
“Yeah, my wife does”.
As a postie, my preferred pronoun is envelope.
I identify as mail.
I was robbed by six dwarves today.
Not happy.
I just finished writing a book on penguins.
In hindsight, it would have been easier writing it on paper.
I met a girl on Tinder the other day who has 12 nipples.
Sounds strange dozern tit.
Whats the difference between a toilet and Peter Dutton?
A toilet has a seat.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a blood donation centre.
The nurse at the desk asks the rabbit; “What is your blood type?”
The rabbit responds, “I’m probably a Type O”
Did you know that the slaves that built the pyramids in Giza used to get really bad back pain.
Luckily, to help combat this the pharaohs employed high quality Cairo-practors.
I met a microbiologist yesterday.
They were a lot taller than I had anticipated.
Trump’s library reportedly burned down over night, sadly causing the loss of both books. In an even crueller twist, he was only half way through colouring in one of them.
A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given mobile phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists’ camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear’s stomach… only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, “You know what this means, don’t you?”
“Of course,” the other ranger nodded. “The Czech is in the male.”